SafetyForWomen

Written by "swcreations"

My parents divorced when I was four years old. I moved around a great deal when I was a child and was never able to really get comfortable anywhere. My mother was remarried when I was five to an alcoholic who was never around. She divorced again when I was 11.

My father was extremely verbally abusive to me throughout my entire childhood. He hated my mother and would constantly tear her down to me. It made the relationship with my mother difficult and just filled me with his anger.

I was on my own at the age of 18. I moved to Dallas Texas when I was almost 21 where I met my husband. I married and having a baby at the age of 25. The man I met was very much like my father in the way he made me feel.

For years I could not understand what was so wrong with my life. I started to experience health problems which progressively got worse as time went on. I knew something was very wrong with my marriage but I could not understand what. I tried everything I could to fix it. Eventually I was angry and the health problems were continuing to get worse.

I always tried to talk to him, and he would ignore me or leave the house. He made many threats like, "I have been so pissed at you at times I could have thrown you through a wall, but I don't." He had kicked a hole in our bedroom door, prevented me from leaving the house. I never felt safe after he had been drinking, he was so unpredicatable.

I turned to a long forgotten childhood interest of beading. I began designing jewelry and decided I wanted an internet business. I hired a man to design a website for me and he stole my money and never built me anything.

Designing jewelry gave me a healthy outlet in a very unhealthy toxic home environment. I taught myself web design and how to market my own website. Eventually I taught myself graphic design and started taking pictures of flowers and created website graphics with them.

Meanwhile my health problems continued to get worse. I went to doctor after doctor trying to figure out what my problem was. I had chronic stomach problems, chronic anxiety, TMJ, and migraines that caused vertigo symptoms. Through all this I tried to be the best mother I could.

At some point I began to push back. Not literally but I no longer was going to accept that. I still would often give in because I was afraid to push him to his limits. I started taking control of my own life and doing things that brought me more confidence and improved my self esteem.

My business began to grow and I reinvested all the money back into the business. I continued to learn and improve my website.

One night I was lying in bed feeling sick and scared. I remember praying to go, "God please come into my life and show me how to receive you." From that point my life started to get better.

I found Alanon, a 12 step program for family and friends of alcoholics, I knew immediately I was at home there. I discovered the problem with my marriage seemed to be alcoholism. As I continued to go to Alanon my health problems lessened a little.

After being in the program I decided I just could not live my life that way. I was scared to death of my husband and I was so afraid he might really hurt me one day. I was living on eggshells every day.

We made a lot of money and I had quite a few big debts in my own name. I decided in 2004 to cut my losses and get out. I filed for divorce and began looking for a new house.

The house I found had a sign on the wall which said, "Leave the wreckage of your past behind.... from the books of Alcoholics Anonymous." It was amazing I was buying my house from a recovering alcoholic and leaving a non-recovering one.

My ex-husband continued to harass me for more than a year. He would threaten to take our child away from me. Four months after I had moved in to my own house I could not figure out what was wrong with me. I had my own house; I was running my own business out of my home, what was so wrong with me. Turns out I was experiencing Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome which led me to Domestic Abuse counseling.

I spent many hours on my knees praying for the fear and anxiety I would experience when he would come into my safe place. It took me a while to learn not to live my life in fear. I no longer try to have a 'normal' relationship with my child's father. He is incapable of that at this time and not willing to work on the drinking problem. I know God knows what is best for him; perhaps he has more lessons to learn.

They handed me a paper that had the signs of a power and controlling relationship on one side. Our relationship had all of those things except he never hit me. The other side described a relationship of equality and we had none of those things.

I have become strong in the past two years. I continue to run a successful business doing something I love. My website has grown and is receiving more than 3 million hits per month. I love all aspects of my life. My daughter is healthier than she has ever been. She still sees her father but I do not worry so much anymore, I know God will protect her. I know she has lessons and experiences she must learn.

I continue to go to Alanon and continue to design jewelry and work on my business.

Recently my mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer and so I launched a line of Breast Cancer Awareness jewelry. She is doing great. I am so grateful to have Alanon, supportive friends, and faith to get me through these type of life encounters. She had a lumpectomy and radiation. She is doing great and is now a Breast Cancer Survivor!

I hope I explained this as well. There are so many facts to try to sum up and that seems to be difficult.