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My Shame
Written by "new me"
I can look back at myself and my veiws just 4 years ago, my opinion on woman and abuse was a simple one: these woman that were in domestic violence situations, why didnt they just leave? I knew as everyone else did, that they didnt and i couldnt understand why, I can actually hear myself saying this " If a man ever laid his hands on me, I'd kill him, walk out, no problem. Big problem, I became a statistic at just 23, I became one of those woman that I couldn't understand, one of those woman that are phsically, verbally, mentally abused, and i have to admit I am so very ashamed because I don't know how it happened.
Love of course in the beginning, and then maybe a need to make everything better, a dilussion that it would not always be this way, that the bruises or the blood would go away. I never counted o the feeling of pure terror that invaded my life, not then but now, after he's gone. Terror that I cant control, that I will let another man treat me this way in the future and i will be helpless once agian that i will let it go on. Looking back on when the abuse was at it's peak, everyday, screaming, beer on his breath, hate in his eyes, tears in mine, fists, open palm, and on one occasion a knife with me on the other side of the door, my 105 pound body willing it shut and willing it to be a solid door instead of a hollow one. I still am confused on how I became meek and allowing it to happen. I come from a good family, a strong family where the men protect their women with everything that they have, I started to believe that maybe there was something wrong with me, and i still do. I made up excuses for him, to myself, that he was an alcholic, that he loved me, that it wasn't so bad, and it just became a daily routine, the days when he wasn't drunk, you would think it was christmas. I was so happy, and that is so sad.
But the abuse started to merge into both states, when he was drunk and when he was sober. On one specific occasion he choked me and I had a awful moment of complete clarity: "this man may kill me" I might become a statistic of a different sort, fatal. Yet still i stayed. For two years I stayed and no one knew, with the exeption of one of his friends that witnessed an attack, and asked me why i didnt leave, i didnt have an answer, and i still don't, because you see he left me, and it was the only thing he ever did that made my life better. A person that lets someone walk all over them is a person you cant respect.
I guess I'm here because I want to let the woman know out there that you need to leave, i never did, and i hate myself, even after he's gone i feel like im dying inside because I dont even know who i am to let this happen, to block it out when it was happening, but to have it replay in my head when its done. And Im here because maybe someone has some advice on how i can feel like myself again, to be free of my shame and my secret, to not be so scared when a man touches me, and to have what everyone craves: a true and happy love, anything else, anything you have to hide, isnt worth it when the bad wins over the good by a landslide. We are all worth more. My mother always said that woman were Gods greatest art, and i dont want to believe that i was one that wasnt made right and no one else should either. Please be good to yourself, we only live one time, and we should be in control of it, not hand it over to someone to play with as they please.